At the end of each day

Last night, as I went to bed, something happened within me. Something that happens quite often. A wave of disappointment washed over me. Disappointed with How I spent my day. It felt as though I could have achieved more if I stared into space less or if my screen time was less than its average of four hours. And each night, in exhaustion, I hope I didn’t have to sleep. I wish there were more time in the day.

Of course, the person to communicate this with would be my therapist, informing her of my brain’s recent attempts to launch me into another episode. But I keep it to myself because that’s how I function. Always doing more and wishing I could do more. Multitasking on various projects, Doing different things to keep me worn out but not too much to keep me burnt out. That way, I feel useful. It is a delicate dance, a merry-go-round of tasks and responsibilities, leaving me in a state of perpetual motion.

That’s why I have so many things on my table. A million things keeping me up tonight. This blog, the podcast, my education, my faith, my career goals, money problems and 99 but 1 other problems. Amidst this chaos, I recognize the need to cultivate a purposeful brand. I would love to explore what all that is during this journey. At least before I graduate from this very long degree pursuit. That way, I feel personal fulfillment and also make my parents proud.

As a Nigerian, my whole life and identity wrap around this factor. Better still is defined by the adjective “Nigerian.” I have so much pride in my nationality and deeply desire to make my country proud by contributing to its progress. Seeing fellow indigenes put the country on the map draws a pint of jealousy from me. I have a genuine love for Nigeria, yet I am also acutely aware of the areas where improvements are needed—mentally, physically, academically, and beyond. I firmly believe that the responsibility to bring about positive change should not solely rest on the government, as they have played a role in the challenges we face today. It is up to the present generation and future generations to take up the mantle and work towards reclaiming our nation’s potential. In summary, I want to create a better space to eventually return to and start a family with my Yoruba husband. Yes, Yoruba!

As the eldest daughter, I have carried the weight of high expectations, yet I have never taken the time to evaluate and rise to them. I yearn for guidance and encouragement in understanding my place in this world, as I have always felt a sense of not fully belonging, as if I’m meant to be somewhere else. Yet, I could never comprehend the reasons behind this sentiment. It is from this place of uncertainty that I seek my purpose.

The quest for purpose gets clearer as I seek God more & align my walk with His plans.

And as a Christian, the journey back and forth can be so exhausting, leaving me with a fresh space of questions each time I step in or out. But, this time, I’m in and putting my all in. Taking no chances and putting all my faith in GOD.

As a student, I often find myself overwhelmed and exhausted. Nevertheless, I appreciate the privilege of contributing to the pyramid of capitalism through my education. My journey as a student has been a rollercoaster ride. I have transitioned from being serious to not caring, from almost failing to making actual plans in my fourth year. Better late than ever, right? Each year seemed to have its own theme. Now, after going through this cycle, I find myself back to where I started. To overcome this system, I have two options: either find a way around it or go through it. I’m trying to go through it because although I can’t afford either, the government is willing to contribute by putting me in debt at the early stage of my young life. Cup half full, not half empty 🙂

To be fair, my experience of trying to land an internship or something relating to my future career goals has humbled me. So, I’m constantly reminded of my dreams not to be limited.

As a potential Brand manager, I am currently running a blog, hosting a podcast, and about to embark on a project focused on menstrual health. I don’t have a lot to say about that. For more information, please visit my main stack.

Although I do not possess a specific passion or special skills, I am determined to make a difference in the world. It is a predicament resulting from being told that I can be anything I want as long as I prepare for it. I eagerly await the day when I am old enough to tell my dad how flawed that phrase can be while also expressing gratitude for his constant push toward helping me become the unique woman I aspire to be.

This persistent preoccupation with leading a life transcending the ordinary is inscribed in my mind. However, it also eats away at me, as I often engage in ordinary activities that yield ordinary results. While my therapist suggests that I may be overly ambitious, I struggle to find a reference point.

I often wonder how I developed this coping mechanism. I distinctly remember sitting on my bed two weeks before 2021, reflecting on what I had accomplished over the year and coming up empty-handed. I had maintained a strict routine during the early days of the COVID-19 pandemic to preserve my sanity, although I failed to see the significance then. However, by 2021, I decided to make my routines more productive, and those first few months of the year brought an unparalleled sense of fulfillment.

I still try to reach that high and pride I felt, but it seems unattainable. Somewhere deep down, I’m sure I’m aware of the toxic measures I put myself to. Reading those self-help books, Listening to podcasts and working out daily in my parent’s basement. That’s what wellness looked like for me, and it’s very interesting to see how much people live like that today.

I think it’s crazy how much My opinion about lifestyle has changed in the last few years lol.

The truth is I tread a thin line between declining productivity and a perceived sense of accomplishment. It is a fine balance that causes confusion and brings me peace. Perhaps it is the very ambiguity of this situation that keeps me uncertain, perpetually questioning the outcome of my efforts. It could be the fear of failure or the lingering possibility of changing my mind that adds fuel to my hesitation. And it could also be my utter fear of not aiming high enough. It may well be a combination of these factors that contribute to my current state.

Of course, this uncertainty affects my sense of abundance; whether it is diminishing or elevating it, I can’t say. But, as I nestled under the covers last night, I felt a deep sense of delight in acknowledging how much I have going on in my life and how much more I could do if I stayed up.

Amidst this sunny cloud of thoughts and emotions, I found solace in adding another prayer to my ever-growing list. I reached out to God, seeking His guidance and intervention. In the midst of my questions and uncertainties, I asked for the gift of time – time to rest, reflect, connect with Him, and also watch TV.

So what takes over your mind at the end of each day? I’m honestly curious, lol.

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