I think I get closer to God when I’m in trouble or need help. I talk to God more.
I know this pattern reveals my ungrateful heart and unworthiness of God’s love, but I can’t help it. You would think my self-awareness would lead to changes and adjustments, but it gets me deeper into the pit of misery and never-ending apologies. Sometimes, My prayers become more about my benefit, not me and Him.
While I have learnt to cultivate a habit of needing God in every step to ensure complete dependency and comfort in Him, I want to be like those Christians who consistently know how to be grateful for every moment they are in. But when I tried it, I found myself praying less, living in undue comfort, and celebrating my non-wins. I was taking false and untrue peace in the things God “already accomplished.” Which, of course, is the way to live as a Christian, but in due fact, I was doing all that out of laziness and lack of faith.
So, in places of doubt, I find more answers to my questions. I hear God’s promises clearer. Not as a loud, thundering voice but as a resonance of memories of all the times He showed up for me.
In moments of worry, I remember the privilege I have to worry about these things. Especially things I prayed endlessly to have. For example, I never knew I could have an apartment or even afford to live in downtown Toronto for almost two years while in school.
I remember the first car ride into Toronto, looking at all those high buildings. I would whisper my wishes to God. How I wanted that adult living, living by myself, in my space, getting my groceries, and having my TV. I do not know when that prayer was answered, but I live that very existence. It’s been stressful and scary, but I remember He brought me here each time I cried to Him about my house rent or grocery bill. But that’s the thing; it takes me needing something from God to remember what He already did.
And it hurts me that I only remember praying for this when praying for more. It saddens me to think that I have failed to express gratitude for the countless blessings that have unfolded in my life. There are a million other examples, like my education, job, cooking, and even with this blog.
Sometimes I feel like I’m waiting for that glorious big miracle to come and swallow me into a reverent possession of worship. However, I realize that life doesn’t unfold in such grand gestures. The journey itself is a valuable part of the blessings I receive. Each day I try to understand how God’s presence can be found in the ordinary moments of life, and the recognition of His hand in every daily task is a skill we must work on as believers in His word.
My doubts eat me up, and my lack of faith drains my hope, but I have learned to use it to my advantage. If that’s what brings me to God, so be it. If that’s what makes me ask more important questions, allow it. Who is this God? Where is He from? And Why should I trust that He will solve my problems? And how do I know He will, and He has renewed me?
I want to know more about this God I serve and find myself knowing more about His love and majesty when I seek Him. It can be embarrassing to always wonder about God every single day I have an existential crisis forgetting all His blessings, but the unending curiosity to understand who created you is a blessing. Mindlessly worshiping and serving an entity you know nothing about undervalues the love that holds the relationship. My questions have allowed me to stay strong in times of doubt that there is a bigger goal than the troubles of now.
Admittedly, I mostly seek Him in times of need. Nevertheless, I anticipate the day I can seek Him solely in thanksgiving. For now, my humility keeps me humbly seated at His feet.
I would rather sit at His feet than away from Him.
And it’s truly beautiful that through complete submission, we can rise to heights we once believed were beneath us. Admittedly, there are moments when I strive to be wholeheartedly thankful, but it can be challenging, especially when faced with glaring problems.
But despite these problems, I see, I can tell, and I know that His grace keeps me here. But the paradox is that my needs make me doubt, and my doubts make me learn. The deeper I try to understand, the more amazed I am by His greatness.
Sometimes, we become too fixated on the problem rather than focusing on the solution, which is not a healthy approach. Nevertheless, I have consistently expressed to God that His will is my top priority in life. While I may not appreciate that I often turn to Him only in times of trouble, I am grateful that I still can seek Him out. It reassures me that my faith in Him remains strong, capable of drawing me back into His embrace no matter how far I may have strayed.
If you are in a similar position today, I encourage you to take small steps toward Thanksgiving. You don’t have to force it, He knows. Simply sit in His presence and allow gratitude to flow naturally. Appreciate Him for both the little and big things in life. You can express gratitude to Him at your desk, in the workplace, and even in the solitude of the bathroom. A simple “thank you” is all it takes. Remember, your inability to feel thankful should never discourage you from communicating with Him.
And when those questions come rushing, sis, bro, Ask them! He already sees your mind, and hiding them would waste time and energy. I had to learn this the hard way. One of my teachers in primary school had told me, “Never question the origin of God.” this used to confuse me because i didn’t understand how God, who claimed to love us, would ask us never to wonder who He is, especially when He gave us this intelligence like BFFR.
So I had to remind myself of this, and I am letting you know: He remains God whether you ask or not. But your total honesty, vulnerability and openness to Him would make you feel better and heard. And if you are like me, that wouldn’t rest until you get a satisfying answer, then get ready to learn way more than you signed up for. There is so much to learn about God and this faith. And each time God reveals a part of Himself to me, my mind is blown as if I didn’t ask for it. So don’t be afraid to talk to Him and communicate your doubts. Doubts are normal, and the decision to fight them and stand our ground is what strengthens our faith.
So I will keep believing and praying, leaving it all to God.
BTW I appreciate the support and love the last post. You can leave a comment below or send me an email HERE!
If you got to the end of this post, I would like to recommend a song I listened to while I wrote this (Eze Ebube by Neon Adejo).