Two weeks ago, I woke up angry. I had a restless night of tossing and turning. It was around 6 am, and the only company I found was my reflection staring back at me through my phone screen. So I got up from bed to start my morning routine and headed toward the bathroom. But there was no escaping my irritation as I got angrier at someone I wasn’t sure was there. However, When I looked up in the mirror, there I was, staring right back.
It took me a minute to figure out that I was still angry at myself. But, this wasn’t the first time. I remember the first time my irritation towards my actions caused little moments of self-loathing; I wasn’t sure what I was feeling so I curled up in bed and cried. I was extra kind to others in the hope that they don’t see my inner chaos foaming up. But it took me a while to realize I was mad at myself for my stupidity and my mistakes. Who better to be mad at but the perpetrator of those foolish missteps? I always thought it was regret but over time I have learnt how useless it is to wish upon a past time. Curling in bed and holding on to my piercing belly always did the trick until I started making mistakes with long term effects. Having to walk and talk like I didn’t just give myself a scolding.
Others who may have influenced, participated in, or caused, my pain would go and live their life. While they might deserve a life sentence or a pat on the back, it was my inability to prevent or rectify the situation that fueled my self-anger.
Now, before you offer any consolations, please try to understand that I was fully aware of the toxic nature of this never ending cycle of silliness. Yet, I believed I needed to endure this ordeal to learn a valuable lesson. Someone had to intervene and prevent me from further sabotaging my own life. Stop me from making excuses and definitely stop me from compromising my values grain by grain. But who better than me who sees my swollen eyes and puffy cheeks every morning? Who better than the person who knows and feels my heart stop and break every second I try to breathe?
Sometimes I feel bad for getting angry at myself because not everything has been a conscious act of stupidity. Often, I have been attempting to break free from someone’s influence, something that holds me back, a belief, or even an understanding of God. and sometimes, I blank out and fall into a well. I fall slowly in the dark until I feel the pressure of the water on my back, then I climb myself out to safety.
Yet, every time I have fallen into a well, I always come back up with a scar, but that has never stopped me from walking back to that area. Although I can’t blame myself for always falling, I can take the blame for going around its edges. It’s as if I am constantly drawn by the danger, even though I know the potential consequences.
I have come to learn that everybody gets drawn sometimes and only the smart ones see what’s lying in the shadows.
Side note: Despite all my scars, the fact that I am here is a testament to God’s will for my life. It’s a reminder that despite my mistakes and struggles, there is a purpose guiding me forward. I may stumble and fall, but a higher plan at work provides me with the strength and resilience to persevere. When I tell you someone is out there looking out for me!
But here I am, still mad at myself because I just stepped off the path as usual. What happened last night stays last night, I told myself. Because that’s how it works. Turn your back on the mistakes and forge ahead. No matter how angry I might feel, I have to keep walking. Strangely, that remains the only solace in this dusty journey—the determination to keep moving forward, despite the challenges. However, walking in all that heat always results in one thing; I never let go of the fire and get myself burnt again.
Again, Please understand, as I share these thoughts. I aim to assure you that you are not alone in your struggles. (If you can relate for some reason) Maybe you should also consider seeing a therapist if this is persistent and you can’t get it under control.
I do not have any plans to stop being angry at myself. Instead, I am learning to manage it. I am going to start being angry with love. Ensuring that I forgive myself at some point, I can’t even hold on to any anger for long, even at other people, I tend to let go after I take a nap.
Fueled by love, my anger will drive me to explore avenues to work on ways where I never have to be around the fire or the well. Most importantly, I would be a nagging Nigerian parent and constantly remind myself how susceptible I am to these acts of self-sabotaging.
PS: if you want to check on me after reading this, do it with money. But if you are a broke cookie like me, you can reach out to me by email or just leave a pretty comment below. 🙂