When I can simply give the lemons back.
Do you ever have that deep gut feeling that you are destined for something greater? Or that you possess more potential than whatever life has decided to hand you?
I do all the time, but I am usually so scared of what that means.
It’s as if I am scared I will never discover that world-breaking purpose, or I will fail to reach my aspirations. A single misstep or a misguided choice could jeopardize everything, or perhaps the absence of taking action altogether would.
However, over the past two weeks, one question has echoed persistently in my beautiful mind: “Why?”
Why do I have this blog? Why do I want to have kids? Why am I enrolling in so many courses? Why does it matter if others like me? Why do I desire to experience love and start a family? And why do I place such significance on personal growth and self-improvement? Why do I hold on to God as my life depends on it? Why? Why? Why?
I am also scared that I am not the only one who dreams like this. The more individuals there are who contemplate their “whys” in a world where many remain stagnant, the more it seems like I might be destined to remain in the realm of dreams. Because when you look around, you see many people who never got to that point of their dreams, and that frightens me.
It frightens me not because mediocrity or simplicity is wrong but because it means settling in your chase and halting the pursuit of excellence. Some people never halt their pursuit, but they get misdirected into a different path outside their calling. You might think your calling is what you have been subjected to by life’s standards, but a lot of people are beyond that.
What luxury you have to be passionate about something.
Something that drives you each day and makes you want to get up at 6 a.m. and go to bed at 4 a.m. Most people don’t consider it a luxury because they don’t understand how easier they have it is to build their dreams and achievements around that one thing.
I consider my lack of object of passion a privilege, too, because I get to try everything I can imagine, but at what cost? What happens if nothing ever sticks?
I want to see the world, know the world and change the world. However, I do not know why I want to, and that scares me that my chaotic ambitions might wither away like they never existed.
Because what happens when I wake up at 80, and I am still wishing upon a star? What happens if I never make it to 80?
But what if I do make it to 81 and haven’t realized I have unpursued dreams?
Strangely, that would be more comforting. To be unaware of your inner chaos is better than being aware but unable to bring it to fruition. Held back by new achievements you can make do with. It’s like giving up your chase for oranges and drawing your juice from whatever lemons you get while remaining ignorant of all the fruits you could have had.
You deserve better than lemons.
I deserve more than lemons, I deserve to be heard.
I deserve to be known through and in spite of my chaos.
I deserve to know my why.
And I know you deserve this, too.
So, what’s your why?
TBH, I do not really know “my why,” but I am delusion-ally deceived that I would have discovered it by the time you start reading this. I have been alive for 22 years, yet I believe that one week of drafting this post might unveil the core source of the questions that have plagued me. It might seem impossible, but I draw hope from the idea That it might inspire you to ask yourself similar questions.
Questions that would put you at the centre of your world.
“So, I believe my ‘why’ at this moment is simply to be present. I don’t have all the answers yet, but right now, I want to listen to the world around me. I want to feel the waves of thoughts and life around me. I want to hear the whispers in chaos. I want to do everything my beautiful mind can come up with. I want to dream!
Anyways, My ‘why’ revolves around listening to myself and sharing with you what I would tell myself if I were you. So, I don’t fully understand it yet and I am totally fine with it.
The world can be both incredibly noisy and eerily quiet at the same time. In a world where everyone seems to be spreading their own thoughts, I want to contribute to that sense of belonging, if I can even call it that, because there doesn’t seem to be a single word to encapsulate the opposite of feeling “by yourself”.
But remember, you’re not alone; I’m here, just an email away. I’m here in my own little corner of the room, sharing with you my ‘why.’
This is my passion, at least for now. Who knows what tomorrow may bring? It might be a mission to fill the world with tiny Aanus, for all I know.
I honestly can’t predict what will come from all of this, but if I can make just one person feel grounded on this big blue marble, then I believe I’ve started to make the change I dream of. Because remember, you matter.
So, when life hands you lemons, you can kindly give them back and hold them by their shirt until they give you what you asked for. Also, you can just make lemonade if you really like it.
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Thank you for being a part of this. XO